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Friday, May 18, 2012

Nothing Like Motherhood!

This post is a bit late according to the calendar- but enjoying motherhood is really a year round gift. 
So, to start off- Happy Mother's Day to all you mothers! 

I am in the eighth "season" in motherhood- as you know since the arrival of Jewel.  Mother's Day hit at a good time - when my hormones are all still jumbled from giving birth (just exactly how long can I claim that as an excuse?!) 

The day before Mother's Day was one that I balanced on the edge of explosion (see previous post) - once again, hormones!  By the end of the day I was feeling resentful towards many of my children.  I really cannot even tell you what the upset was all about.  The bad thing was that I wasn't feeling like celebrating Mother's Day- partly due to the anger and partly due to my guilt of the anger. 

My husband has a good way of keeping things in perspective though.  When I had texted him with my "AGHHHH!" - he reminded me how precious my life is-  I have one at the age of taking college classes all the way to one who is a complete mama's girl (Jewel has her favorite. . . and it's ME!) 
I needed that reminder on how wonderful life is. 

Isn't it so easy to get caught up in the frustration of life to actually forget to enjoy it? 

Seven of my kids are gone today- in fact, they are gone for the night- at a homeschool camp out with their father.  They were all so excited about going- even The Baby Boy, whom we were not going to let him go, but decided to give it a chance anyway.  The kids were so excited that they were in "grouchy-mode."  You parents know what I mean, right?  Each one thought they would be in charge of the others and well, 7 bosses is not a pleasant thing.  For days the threat of "You're going to lose the camp out!" hung in the air like smog.  Up until the final minutes, when The Jane Austen Wanna Be got into it with The Diva- over something silly. 

I found myself saying-  "I can't wait until you all leave for the camp out- I need some QUIET!" 

Be careful what you wish for- especially when it comes to emptying the house.  After the kids left (surprisingly all 7 were able to go) I floated around with Jewel on clouds.  Actually we just floated upstairs to take a nap.  It was so nice!! 

When I woke up, I was slammed by the silence.  Dead silence.  I laid there with Jewel and tried to remember when it was that I had a house to myself with just a 1 month old.  Well, I won't give you the answer in years, but it has been so long.  So long that I had to remind myself to enjoy it- to stop worrying about my children and just enjoy the gift of silence. 

I hate to admit that I did really contemplate going back to napping : P  Hey, I don't get that pleasure very often!  But, I knew there were chores to be done.  So, with Jewel in wraps, I set off to the laundry room.  The older 3 girls had their laundry started and I figured I'd help them out and keep it going since their weekend was going to be busy.  As I sorted through teen clothes, I pulled out a onesie of Jewels.  I had forgotten I'd thrown that in with their clothes.  As I checked it to see if the stain came out, and laid it down next to The Jane Austen Wanna Be's shirt, it struck me again. . .

(hormones!) 

What a size difference in the ends of my "children sandwich."  How sweet it was - the reminder of how blessed I am with what God has given me.  

Time is an enemy.  The Jane Austen Wanna Be will be a senior next year.  She is already out of the house quite a bit with her college classes and work.  The Bookworm will start driving this summer.  The Clown has grown taller than all my kids now.  The Boy is catching up in height with The One Who Gets Things Free at Garage Sales (BTW- garage sale season is upon us and I think #5's "cute factor" charm is wearing off- she may have to start paying for her purchases at garage sales!)  The Diva is asking to stay up later at night, The Baby Boy bloomed in size- mostly in comparison to Jewel.  My heart is breaking at these time changes.  I MOURN because of them- and yet it was I that couldn't wait to get them out of the house and just have silence! 

Ah motherhood, what complicated treasure! 

I am going to end now- I need to stop, less I end up in tears.  It is also time to turn on the t.v. to so I can hear some noise- at least for a little while.  Then, I am going to gather Jewel up in my arms, climb into bed and treasure the moment.

Surviving myself in motherhood,
Mary

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Sunshine and Lollipops. . . NOT!

Yesterday marked the 3rd week since Jewel #8 was born.  There is a record that I broke in that time.  Before having Jewel, the older girls took bets on how long it would be before Mom has "The Day" which is when she locks herself and the baby in her bedroom and declares herself off limits to EVERYONE!  -Mostly due to 1.  lack of sleep effecting Mom, 2.  Mom having it up to here in hearing the kids fight, and 3.  handling, or attempting to handle the disruption of  daily schedule-and either myself or the kids not dealing with that.  The last two births, it didn't take long for me to hit "The Day."    I'd say less than a week.  (Hey- you have to give me that the last 2 births were winter births- cloudy, snowy, yucky days!)  This time, however, I made it to day 21 before blowing up on my kids, heading to my room, locking the door, staying in there for a good long number of hours- where I fully enjoyed the peace and quiet shared only with Jewel and myself.  It was heaven! 
I hate to admit that I couldn't control myself in dealing with The Diva- but she is called the Diva for a reason!  A full day of constant contradictions and sassy come backs lit my fuse.  To be fair, I did "feel"  The Day coming on-  hormones, hormones, hormones! 

I did have the boys' soft knock-knock on the door a couple of times.  To this, I promptly redirected them to one of the their 3 older sisters.  That went well until The Baby Boy tugged at my heartstrings by saying he had a tummy ache and the only way he would feel better was to have me hold him downstairs in the kitchen.  So, I  opened he door and melted at his sad little face.  Downstairs, in the kitchen, he went to sleep in my arms immediately. 

So, I write this post because I want it to be known that I so don't have things down as well as I may appear to.  My kids can help me in my short comings a lot- but they alone (not even their Dad has the full story) know how Mom falls apart now and then. 

There is a small benefit to falling apart sometimes-  it is a wake up call to my kids that Mom can and does explode like a load of dynamite- and look out when she does.  It puts them on high alert to be extra good for at least the next day or two.  That's good!  Really good! 

The downfall of exploding is of course that I feel like poo about how I acted/reacted towards my kids.  I really, really hate that. 

Wouldn't you know that I had just gone to confession last week too!  Oh well, my confessional has a revolving door on it : P

As I looked down on The Baby Boy's sleeping face- I kept thinking about how God must view me when I experience The Day.  Aside from great disappointment, I picuted Him holding me as I myself was holding my son- who risked Mom's wrath to be closer to me.  How often does God take abuse from us, only to lovingly hold us close to his heart when we finally repent?

:Let me answer that for you- often.  Much more often than we deserve. 

Thank you Lord for loving me through my shortfalls.  Thank you for children who love me - despite my shortfalls.  Thank you for giving me the opportunity to seek forgivness when I fail.  Thank you for extending that forgiveness, over and over. 

Tomorrw is a new day.  The Day is now over.  I am loving my job as wife, mother and teacher.  Never- NEVER in a million years would I change it.  I just hope I don't have to spend to much money in psychology bills for my kids due to their up bringing!

Admiting that sometimes I cannot survive myself,
Mary

PS- yes, Jewel still looks like Toby Jones- but she is slowing growing out of it. . . I hope!!!  (see pic.)