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Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Sunshine and Lollipops. . . NOT!

Yesterday marked the 3rd week since Jewel #8 was born.  There is a record that I broke in that time.  Before having Jewel, the older girls took bets on how long it would be before Mom has "The Day" which is when she locks herself and the baby in her bedroom and declares herself off limits to EVERYONE!  -Mostly due to 1.  lack of sleep effecting Mom, 2.  Mom having it up to here in hearing the kids fight, and 3.  handling, or attempting to handle the disruption of  daily schedule-and either myself or the kids not dealing with that.  The last two births, it didn't take long for me to hit "The Day."    I'd say less than a week.  (Hey- you have to give me that the last 2 births were winter births- cloudy, snowy, yucky days!)  This time, however, I made it to day 21 before blowing up on my kids, heading to my room, locking the door, staying in there for a good long number of hours- where I fully enjoyed the peace and quiet shared only with Jewel and myself.  It was heaven! 
I hate to admit that I couldn't control myself in dealing with The Diva- but she is called the Diva for a reason!  A full day of constant contradictions and sassy come backs lit my fuse.  To be fair, I did "feel"  The Day coming on-  hormones, hormones, hormones! 

I did have the boys' soft knock-knock on the door a couple of times.  To this, I promptly redirected them to one of the their 3 older sisters.  That went well until The Baby Boy tugged at my heartstrings by saying he had a tummy ache and the only way he would feel better was to have me hold him downstairs in the kitchen.  So, I  opened he door and melted at his sad little face.  Downstairs, in the kitchen, he went to sleep in my arms immediately. 

So, I write this post because I want it to be known that I so don't have things down as well as I may appear to.  My kids can help me in my short comings a lot- but they alone (not even their Dad has the full story) know how Mom falls apart now and then. 

There is a small benefit to falling apart sometimes-  it is a wake up call to my kids that Mom can and does explode like a load of dynamite- and look out when she does.  It puts them on high alert to be extra good for at least the next day or two.  That's good!  Really good! 

The downfall of exploding is of course that I feel like poo about how I acted/reacted towards my kids.  I really, really hate that. 

Wouldn't you know that I had just gone to confession last week too!  Oh well, my confessional has a revolving door on it : P

As I looked down on The Baby Boy's sleeping face- I kept thinking about how God must view me when I experience The Day.  Aside from great disappointment, I picuted Him holding me as I myself was holding my son- who risked Mom's wrath to be closer to me.  How often does God take abuse from us, only to lovingly hold us close to his heart when we finally repent?

:Let me answer that for you- often.  Much more often than we deserve. 

Thank you Lord for loving me through my shortfalls.  Thank you for children who love me - despite my shortfalls.  Thank you for giving me the opportunity to seek forgivness when I fail.  Thank you for extending that forgiveness, over and over. 

Tomorrw is a new day.  The Day is now over.  I am loving my job as wife, mother and teacher.  Never- NEVER in a million years would I change it.  I just hope I don't have to spend to much money in psychology bills for my kids due to their up bringing!

Admiting that sometimes I cannot survive myself,
Mary

PS- yes, Jewel still looks like Toby Jones- but she is slowing growing out of it. . . I hope!!!  (see pic.)

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